Thailand

Rotten Ronnie givin' the "wai", the traditional Thai greeting.

The cries of "Sexy movie? Sexy movie?" still haunt me. And I can never watch Mythbusters the same way again. Hot weather. Cheap stuff. Police on Segways narrowly missing legless guys crawling along the ground. Insanely old and ugly European men with hot young Thai women. It was Bangkok, Thailand baby!

Okay, first, let's get all the "Bang Cock" jokes out of the way. Yes, there was a stop on the transit called Bang Sue. Yes, there was another called Thong Lo. Maybe if these places were Wall Street-type centres of commerce there'd be some contrast to these jokes. While they were centres of commerce, it actually was low thongs and Sue-banging that was being sold. So, it ain't funny. Sure, the stories about prostitution were true. But, perhaps it only seemed so because we were staying right in the middle of the centre of it all. How did this happen? Let's start at the beginning....

Spring break was coming up, and a cool ALT (not too often you've heard that word combo, eh?) from a nearby town was talkin' about going to somewhere interesting. I had heard Thailand was cheap, and so...we were off. Our "planning", such as it was, consisted of downloading and compiling lists of info about the country. Because, naturally, we knew nothing other than: the weather was hot; the food was hot; you could go to a tailor and get great clothes for super low prices; it was a centre of prostitution (not a selling feature); there was lots of "ladyboys" (guys with sex-change operations) there (definitely not a selling feature). Oh, and perhaps the most important part: flights from Japan were super cheap. Despite a travel agent who seemed determined to not get our money, we eventually got tickets.

I read some of our comp of travel info on the plane. It told me some pretty interesting things about Thailand. For example, never mock the King as you can end up in jail for it. Also, the feet are considered unclean - don't even point 'em at somebody. And never pat a Thai on the head as it's a big insult. Don't sniff your food. Don't wear shorts or short-sleeves to a temple. Don't point at or face away from a Buddhist statue. And so on.

It was with this little knowledge (and related fear about unwittingly committing some punishable-by-death act) in mind that we stepped up to the tourist counter in the Bangkok airport. We asked the smiling ladies for some good hotel recommendations. Perhaps considering that we were two young men who didn't know word one of Thai and appeared to have no plan whatsoever (we had written only the word "HOTEL" in "where will you stay?" section on the arrival slip, which caused the other ALT to get grilled by the customs guard for about five minutes), they set us up in Nana Plaza.

Nana Plaza, it turns out, is the heart (or one of the chambers of the heart) of the sin district in Bangkok. We lugged our luggage (so that's why they call it that) through the busy streets. We had heard you could get a great quality hotel for what we were paying, so the Ambassador was a bit of a letdown. It was big, with a huge entranceway, but old. When we went out for dinner after checking in, we spoke to the owner of the restaurant. When Coffee (that was her name) heard we were staying at the Ambassador, she threw her head back and laughed, "That place! So old!". The streets of Nana are lined with vendors selling food, clothes, the latest DVD's (and I mean the latest), souvenirs, and pretty much anything else. Taxicab and tuk tuk (the small pedicabs) drivers offer their services by shouting at you from across the street or even touching your arm. In an approach I found somewhat insulting, some street vendors would clap to attract your attention as you passed (hey, I'm not an animal or baby).

The first day, we went to a famous Sunday market. It was hot. Really hot. The place was ultra-cool. There was a Thai band playing American-style country music. These cute girls were selling, of all things, cat food. I didn't buy any, but their costumes did make me get frisky, so maybe it worked. We drank fresh pineapple juice. The endless laneways had all sorts of cool (though probably bogus) clothes at low prices (I saw a "Dadidas"-brand shirt). Inexplicably, I bought some patio lights, which looked really cool at the time but I haven't used that much yet. Maybe when I have a BBQ. I also bought an Adidas bathing suit from an apparently legit place, but the coloring faded after about 4 swims. They were cheap, anyway. The cops were driving Segways! (I took a pic for you, but my camera had chosen this time to crap out on me. It still worked, but the viewfinder would only display a white screen, so I couldn't focus. I used the manual viewfinder to get a shot of the Segways, but it turned out black.). The other downside was when I, struggling through the crowds, looked down and saw a guy with no legs dragging himself through the market by his arms. He was right on the ground and must have taken a boot or two to the face a few times. Actually, we seemed to see a disproportionate amount of legless people. We also saw a girl, who looked about six, sitting by herself among the street stalls.

These twin themes of degradation and commerce were a constant undercurrent to our visit. As we noted, we were the youngest (by about 20 years) foreign guys we saw in Thailand(except for those drunken Brits on the train). Most foreign guys were older, lackin' style, and almost always accompanied by a younger (about 20 years) Thai woman. The perception that, as a foreign guy, you were one of these guys was always there. If we were eating in a restaurant, quite a few passing girls would give us a smile and that frank look right in the eyes. So, you never really know who is legitimately friendly or who is a legitimate couple (rather than customer and paid companion).

We decided to leave the city and head out to the Samutprakarn alligator and snake farm ("The world's largest crocodile farm"!). I mean, come on - they had "over 100,000 crocodiles"! They also have the largest captive crocodile (19 ft, 8 in) as well as albino and other freakish gators. On the long ride out to the zoo, I had noticed a lot of people wearing yellow shirts. This pattern continued at the zoo. And when I say "a lot of people", I mean about 60% of the population.

Our ticket was marked "For see alligator show" (scanned, but lost in the Great Crash of 2007) and the other ALT, who I'll call Michael, wanted to see that first. However, they also had a monkey show. As you might know, I love those guys! I bugged him to see the monkey show first. They fought with swords and the female monkey "sang" (mimicked a recording), but it was a bit underwhelming. The monkeys had a low attention span, so they were always running around. I got some great shots of other monkeys though, and this monkey prayed, danced, and clapped hands in exchange for some juice. Cool.

The alligator show was wild. To an apparently infinite loop of the strains of the Hawaii Five O theme, two 15-16 year old Thai boys descended into an alligator pit to prod and harass the animals with sticks. The animals looked dangerous but seemed to know the drill. They basically just sat in the sun and snapped at the sticks when prodded. For the showstopper, the kids stuck their heads in the gator's mouths. I'll put up a movie if I can. At the end, folks had their pics taken with the gators. Yeah, I like callin' 'em gators.

It was an interesting place. In a scene worthy of a David Lynch flick, as we passed a gazebo with a couple and their baby in it, the father strolled up to a jukebox and dropped some funds in it. The machine proceed to blast out a guitar-heavy song at volumes I didn't think a jukebox could manage. As we tried to find out who the artist was (the Clash, but not that Clash - the Thai Clash), it was painful to stand in front of it. In addition to the monkeys, snakes, elephants and gators, they also had a full zoo. And, uh, a shooting range, which we found a bit odd. Dig this sign: (shooting range, elephants, concert hall - not too often you get that selection).
And how about the shop stocking alligator shoes, purses, etc. They even sold so-called gator burgers which, despite my recent I'll-eat-anything! adventurous streak, I was reluctant to try. I did buy two (non-gator) shirts that I liked at the time yet never wore and later used as rags. Best of all, I bought a commerative plate containing a picture of me with a monkey! Yes, I could post a pic, but I look so ridiculous with this big smile on my face...no way.

Finally, there was an elephant show. The delay of finding the place and waiting for it to start was worth it. The elephants almost looked like they were smiling, and really performed. They rode scooters, painted pictures, walked around on strings, stood on two legs, danced around, and even took money from people with their trunks and handed it over to their trainers . We considered taking a ride on one, but fatigue and the stench of snake crap made us decide to get back to the hotel. Speaking of elephants, on the way back I got some shots of this XL three-headed elephant from the cab. Then, as we got out of the cab, Michael dropped his plate, with a pic of him with a gator. Luckily, he also had a good pic of him taken with a tiger.

The next day we went to another market, this time a clothing and computer area known as Pratunam. Our long ride to the zoo - about 15 miles - had cost us 200 baht (about 6 dollars). Our literature had warned us to ensure that we take only taxis marked TAXI METER and to ensure the driver turned the meter on. So, when we went to the market, we took a TAXI METER taxi. On the short drive to the market (it was only a few blocks away), we passed a Spiderman 3 billboard. Noting how many recent movies were already available on DVD in Bangkok, I mused aloud, "I wonder if Spiderman 3 is out here yet". Our formerly mute driver became excited. "I am Spiderman!" he shouted. "Ha ha! Where you from?" "Canada? America? Ha ha, we are friends!". As we excited the cab, I noticed that we had not asked him to turn the meter on. How much was this trip that took less than 5% of the distance/time to the zoo? "200 baht!" shouted our new friend. I reluctantly forked over the funds to Spidey, chalking it up to a learning experience.

The clothes market was cool, but we didn't buy anything. People were lugging around multiple bags filled with cheap clothing. We discovered that the omnipresent yellow shirts are worn each Monday as a symbol of loyalty to the King as yellow corresponds to Monday, his birthday. They even have the royal crest on them.

After getting lost in the maze of alleyways for a while, we drank some coconut milk fresh from the coconut, then we finally found the computer market. So, our search wasn't fruitless. Fruitless. Get it? Ha ha, good times. Anyway, you can barter down to about 1/3 the listed price in Thailand, so the computer market was pretty cool. This was basically our first encounter with the "Sexy movie?" offer, which was shouted at our white faces from quite a few stalls. As Michael later actually bought some sexy movies on DVD, I can't cry discrimination or anything. It was like I've heard about (but didn't really see) in HK - they had the latest movies for about 2-3 dollars.

We were warned not to take the tuk tuks as they supposedly rip you off or bring you to places you don't want to go, and we had just gotten burned on the taxi, but it looked like hella fun, so I sprang for it. It was like a roller-coaster ride - fun, but you're always wondering if you might be that 1% that dies. I was, anyway. The guy turned out to be honest and brought us right to where we wanted to go for cheap. So, if you go, try it at least once.

The next day, in what was a highlight of the trip for me, we took a long boat down the Chao Phraya river. Our guide was pretty cool: "I have a long boat. Come on my long boat." Okay. I was surprised that he took off after getting only the two of us and didn't wait for more people. The weather was great and the riverbanks were beautiful. Some areas seemed a bit poverty-stricken, so we felt kind of weird touring past in this big boat. Swimming kids waved at us and we saw monks strolling through temple courtyards. Suddenly, a wizened woman in a canoe swiftly pulled up alongside us, screeching, "Floating market! Floating market!". It was, as you may have guessed, a floating market. Michael bought an overpriced buddha souvenir and I bought an overpriced beer for the driver.

We pulled into Ankor Wat. As we were standing on the corner by the large temple-like structure and next to the sign pointing the way to the temple, a stranger suddenly approached us. Gesturing the opposite way, he offered to direct us "to the temple". Having read about this scam (sometimes, people tell you the temple is closed for cleaning or somesuch and offer to take you elsewhere - usually a store they have a deal with - while you're waiting). Though we chose to follow our instinct as well as the large sign, as we walked down the street he shouted, "Not that way!" after us.

Though I was wearing shorts and a short-sleeved shirt, supposedly taboo in the temple, quite a few other people were as well. I asked the ticket guy if it was okay and he resignedly waved us through. The temple grounds were under construction, so there wasn't much to see. Then we got to the famous reclining Buddha, which was great. A smiling god who's just chilin' - that's something I can get behind. Supposedly, there's more images of the Buddha in Thailand than actual people. I tried to get some shots of the great paintings on the wall, but my camera was still wacked and couldn't focus.

We went on to the Palace grounds. A guy approached us out front and told me I couldn't go in with my current wear. I ignored him, but the guards actually did wave me aside and try to get me to rent a robe. As the place was closing in 15 minutes, I decided not to bother. Michael went ahead and I had an ice cream at Baskin Robbins, soaking up the touristy vibe of the neighbourhood. Michael was already pissed off by the scammers and constant sales pitches, so the driver on the way back taking us to the wrong stop (bus station instead of subway station) was the last straw. Then, as we were trying to get a cab outta there, the next drivers told us their meter was broken. Thailand was billed as the land of smiles, but this only reminded me of that "Smiles - Free" that used to be listed on McDonald's menuboard. Yeah, they're free as long as you're buying something. However, the next driver redeemed our faith in people, as he quickly told us the subway station was near and brought us there quickly and cheaply.

I was eager to check out the famous clothes discounts, and the place definitely didn't lack for tailors: there seemed to be at least a few on every street. I ended up shopping at the first place we went to, despite the sales dude's outrageous initial quotes. After I talked him down to (what I hope was) a fair price, I bought three suits, six shirts, and a cashmere overcoat. Spent a hell of a lot of money, but then I love the clothes I got. One suit is standard, one has a Chinese collar, and one is a light-colored casual. The shirts are classy pin stripes and solids. The cashmere...well, I'm almost looking forward to winter so I can wear the sucker. You could choose the quality, and I chose the best (and most expensive), natch. Inspired by my enthusiasm, Michael borrowed some money and got some stuff as well. Suddenly, despite my coming with thousands of dollars, we were down to very little. Veeeery little.

On our last baht, we went out to find a thai kickboxing place that the tailor had told us about ("Yes! Japanese try their karate but Thai boxers...snap! They break their leg with a kick!") but somehow ended up at a huge beer hall festival celebrating we know not what. Our budgeting was suddenly postponed as we drank huge beers. Still, I gazed wistfully at the Brits at the next table who were drinking out of some massive keg-like contraption that looked like medical equipment. Onstage, a variety of bands played, including one who did an impressive cover of Bohemian Rhapsody. Then, in what may have been the highlight of Michael's trip, the female singer of the next band took on "Achy-Breaky Heart" (once his mom's favorite song). The singer must have only seen the sheet music and not actually heard the song or something, as she consistently pronounced Achy as "ah chee". You had to be there.

We also went to an outdoor bar called, appropriately enough, Sin. Later, as we checked out one laneway, we were swarmed by cute girls and encouraged to come in their respective bars. After some discussion, we decided to check it out. They paired off with us, ordered drinks for us, and almost attempted conversation. As the only other people in the place were older European's groping "their" girls and our companions seemed unfamiliar with the idea of conversation, it was kind of uncomfortable. They were definitely attractive, but we weren't really interested in kissing someone that that fat bald guy playing pool over there had been kissing an hour or so before. And paying for it. "Let's go dancing!" one enthused. Then, sternly, "But, you must pay." Perhaps to avoid any later disputation, the latter point was repeated a few times. We checked out.

A little depressed by this, we went out another night to find a "regular" bar. We went in what seemed to be a standard place with doormen and a cover charge. The cute girl next to me started talking to me. Her English wasn't bad. She claimed to be an exchange student just back from the States. When the conversation rolled around to her future goals, hers were simple: a condo and a rich man to pay for it. I wished her luck with that. Her friend showed up and took a strong interest in Michael. Strong enough that, after a few drinks, she invited him to come to the washroom with her. As she looked a bit like Sadako from "The Ring" with a lot of makeup, he politely declined. As there had never been any mention of money (and, in fact, I think they may have bought us a drink), we couldn't figure out if they were on the level or not. After thinking about it later, we concluded that they were likely working girls looking for fun on their night off. When we decided to leave, the girl I had been talking to suddenly grabbed me, kissed my neck, then began crying. Hey, I know I'm lovable, but we were only there an hour-and-half at most. It was definitely surreal.

As we were down to only transportation fees, the last morning was spent watching Mythbusters and odd Thai TV on one of the few stations we could get. There was no movie channel, and, though Michael had bought DVD's, our request for a player from the desk was met with confusion. We checked out, then hung at the pool. The Ambassador's pool has a cool bird sanctuary near it, but the cries of the creatures are kinda nightmarish, echoing off the nearby buildings while you're wading in the warm water. Later, we left our bags at the desk and I was happy to find the cart selling bug snacks that I'd seen before. Michael noted that the charge to take a picture was actually higher than that of the bugs. Again, I declined the adventure and chose not to partake. I'll post soon about some of the weird stuff I have eaten.

Finally, we walked the Bangkok streets for the last time, passing for the last time the lady who always shouted "handsome man" as we walked past, the clapping street vendors shouting "sexy movie!", and the ubiquitous German gents with their Thai tarts. It was interesting. As we were nearing the Ambassador, an old Thai lady - she had to have been at least 50 - grabbed Michael's arm and said something. He brushed her off and then she grabbed my arm and said the same thing, a whispered, "take me with you.". We didn't.



As usual, there's a Japanese connection to this story. There's actually even a Japanese part of town that Michael and I stumbled into one night. Besides it being overpriced, we needed a break from Japanese food so we didn't stop there. We didn't see any Japanese people at all on our trip. Except for...this one character at the pool. If it didn't really happen, you'd swear it was some kind of scene from a cheap laughs comedy. Picture a luke-warm pool, surrounded by seedy Europeans and their girlfriend of the day. The unearthly cries of the birds are careening off the walls like the Hitchcock film. Suddenly, this guy struts out of the hotel with the full gear on. Yeah, he's got the bathing cap, the goggles, the snorkel, and the flippers on, and he's ready to go. He stands at the edge of the pool and does a full flop straight in. He does two laps, then gets the hell out. We didn't see him again. Like Michael said, we wouldn't have been surprised to see a hidden camera or something somewhere as it looked like something you'd see on a comedy show here.

This final pic was interesting for two reasons: the "No durians" rule (a durian being a fruit that, while it tastes okay, emits a crap-like odor) and the rules regarding "lady joiners". Which brings us full circle, I guess.